About once a week I’m explaining one of these things to someone:
-Women are more sexually fluid than men. In one study, participants were shown videos of heterosexual and homosexual (male and female) sex as well as sex between animals. Men exhibited signs of sexual arousal only to the videos featuring the gender they were attracted to. Women were aroused by all videos. (1, 2, 3)
-People experience heightened attraction to each other when levels of adrenaline and/or emotional arousal are high. In different studies, participants who had just walked across a shaky bridge, ridden a roller coaster, played competitive games, or exercised reported being more attracted to their partners or control subjects. (1, 2, 3)
-If you want to get someone to like you, have them do a favor for you; not the other way around. This is because our brains subconsciously rationalize our behavior, convincing us that we’re doing the favor because we already like that person. (1)
-Sleep debt is cumulative and exact: one night of 8-hour sleep (what most adults need nightly) will not make up for a week of consecutive 6-hour sleep; you’ll need 14 hours of sleep to make up for the loss, on top of the 8 hours of nightly sleep. Once you repay your sleep debt, your body is incapable of sleeping; there’s no such thing as sleeping too much. (1)
In the afterlife, your tactile sensations are limited to the pillowy and the warm. There are no cold metal surfaces or splintery beams. Sharp corners dissolve into firm foams and perforated silicones. Everything is calibrated to the temperature of your grandmother’s hand.
Somehow we drifted off too far
Communicate like distant stars
Splintered voices down the ‘phone
The sunlit dust, the smell of roses drifts, oh no
Someone waits behind the door
Hiroshima mon amour
Riding inter-city trains
Dressed in European grey
Riding out to echo beach
A million memories in the trees and sands, oh no
How can I ever let them go?
Hiroshima mon amour
Meet beneath the autumn lake
Where only echoes penetrate
Walk through polaroids of the past
Future’s fused like shattered glass, the sun’s so low
Turns our silhouettes to gold
Hiroshima mon amour
In the latest fit of ennui, I ironically (adv., 2003) entered this contest in which the prize includes a 5-day stay in the new Cosmopolitan Las Vegas, $500 in spa treatments and dining, VIP access to the hotel’s opening events, and a “private musical performance from a major star.” In other words, everything I’ve ever wanted.
“In honor of our imminent launch, we want to hear about all your Vegas stories - the good, the bad, and the extraordinarily outrageous in less than 500 characters.”
“In retrospect, I should have deboarded the Virgin Airlines plane as soon as I saw the saggy-bellied bros in Ed Hardy tees throw their hands up at the reams of neon pink lights lining the aisles. Upon checking into the Paris hotel, Joe jokingly asked, “So, what’s the theme of this place?” The joke was tragically lost on the fake-titted orange receptionist, who replied “Like, Paris, ugh.” Later that night at 2am, I fled the plebeians and phillistines at PURE, paying $11 for a copy of The Economist in a self-repentant frenzy.”
Good luck to the other contestants, they’ll need it.
(not granted by the church)
- a shower in the Ritz Carlton under a stupidly enormous shower head surely catalogued under a rainforest-themed name, perhaps “The Amazonian Lush Rainfall, $660”
- an unparsable GChat conversation during working hours that lasted a protracted 326 lines in which the following were discussed: self-made zines commemorating one’s own death, Japanese salary men who live in 6’x3’ sleep capsules, cartography (lightly), lunch plans with the current matriarch in town
- 100mL of Club-Mate (Germany’s equivalent to Red Bull) for breakfast, taken in the office
- requesting that my mother share with me her opinions concerning the physiognomy of my peers
- then, chirognomy
- then, cafeteria food
to update your Gmail theme. Just yesterday I disabled “Phantasea” in favor of “Mountains.” In the time since, I have received a bonus from work, found a new apartment, and lost five pounds. Only one of these things is true.